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Sandy Made Me Do It


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ScrappleFace!!
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Iran Pledges to Reveal Future Secret Nuke Sites

(2010-09-10) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today repeated his frequent declaration that Iran’s nuclear program is for energy only, and promised the international community that he would reveal any future secret Iranian nuclear site plans as soon as he became aware of them.

“If the Islamic Republic were building a secret nuclear facility, I would tell you,” the Iranian leader said at a news conference. “If, instead of merely providing for our own electricity needs, we were actually secretly building nuclear missiles to wipe Israel from the face of the map, do you think I would not openly confess this before Allah and the world?”

Mr. Ahmadinejad also said he would give 60-days notice “before unleashing any surprise attacks on Israel using the missiles that we almost certainly do not have, to the best of my recollection.”

“We always tell the truth about our clandestine military activities to everyone,” the president said, adding that his government plans to launch a website next week to make public all of Iran’s nuclear secrets and covert military research projects.





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Sandy Made Me Do It


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Obama $50B Roads Stimulus Saves Jobs, Planet


(2010-09-06) — Buoyed by the success of his other stimulus programs in turning around the once-moribund U.S. economy, President Barack Obama announced today a $50 billion plan to fix up 150,000 miles of highway in order to save jobs and the environment.

The man destined to go down in history as the first ‘green’ president said today he would increase taxes on oil companies to pay for the road construction.

“This stimulus initiative,” the president said, “will put hundreds of collective-bargaining units back on the public payroll, while taking thousands of cars off of the road, due to construction road closings and the higher price of fuel. The end result: more jobs, less global warming. It’s a win-win.”

Due to the anticipated public reception of the Obama roads stimulus, the White House will reportedly announce next week a plan to increase taxes on airline tickets to fund a massive project to ‘re-fluff the clouds’, employing tens of thousands of unionized fluffers.



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Sandy Made Me Do It


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Obama Mulls Fatwa Against 24% Who Think He’s Muslim



(2010-08-19) — The White House today refused to comment on reports that President Barack Obama has considered seeking a fatwa — a kind of religious ruling — against the 24 percent of Americans who incorrectly think he’s a Muslim. However, the president did clarify that a fatwa, despite popular misconception, does not necessarily involve a death sentence.

The question dogged the chief executive during a rare vacation day, as he stepped off a schooner with his family, in the wake of a new Time magazine survey that shows an increasing number of Independent voters thinks he’s Islamic, despite that fact that he’s a Christian currently between churches.

“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “Our Constitution, as of this moment, is still the supreme law of the land. So, as an American citizen, I’m free to seek spiritual counsel from whomever I please. Whether I’ve asked for a fatwa or not, is between me and my mufti.”

Simultaneously, in the White House press room, spokesman Robert Gibbs said one out of four Americans are wrong about Mr. Obama’s religious faith.

“The president of the United of States, who meets all of the Constitutional requirements of the presidency, is not a Muslim,” said Mr. Gibbs, adding, “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a Muslim. As he said at the Ramadan dinner, we don’t discriminate on the basis of religion, so every American has a right to build a mosque in Lower Manhattan as long you comply with local zoning laws. Not that he has an opinion on the Ground Zero mosque either.”

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Eric Cartman


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Due to the anticipated public reception of the Obama roads stimulus, the White House will reportedly announce next week a plan to increase taxes on airline tickets to fund a massive project to ‘re-fluff the clouds’, employing tens of thousands of unionized fluffers.


You're going to fit in here real well. rofl.gif

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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
Auntie Grizelda


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EXCELLENT! You fixed her face!!
I mean....her avatar is animated now....

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Eric Cartman


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Give Chills the credit.

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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
Eric Cartman


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Rules of Engagement Prevent Firing Gen. McChrystal

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace

(2010-06-22) — Despite Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s apparently insubordinate remarks about President Obama in the recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, the Pentagon announced today that the president cannot fire the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan under current “rules of engagement.”

“We have to be very careful about collateral damage,” said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman. “If the commander in chief were to axe Gen. McChrystal, some his family members and even his friends might also be hurt. President Obama is committed to winning the hearts and minds of the U.S. military, and you don’t do that through aggression, kicking down doors and canning people.”

The Pentagon source said the Obama administration has “very restrictive rules of engagement that prevent harm to non-combatants even if that means allowing bad actors to go free, and to continue their attacks. Even stern rebukes can cause widespread damage, so the president must take care to not make the general uncomfortable when he meets with him at the White House.”

In addition to retaining Gen. McChrystal, the president has reportedly let him know that no matter what he does in the future, his job, rank and retirement account are safe.

“Ultimately, President Obama believes that you don’t win battles by defeating your rivals,” the source said, “but by persuading bystanders that you have the best of intentions and then announcing very publicly that you’ll soon put an end to hostilities.”




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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
Eric Cartman


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Senate Climate Bill: Switch from Oil to Money

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace

(2008-06-03) — The global warming bill, up for debate in the Senate this week, includes a little-known provision to reduce the nation’s collective carbon footprint, and to make the U.S. energy-independent by replacing the burning of petroleum products with the burning of paper currency.

Under the terms of the legislation, Congress would require that businesses and individuals burn money to run factories, heat homes and propel motor vehicles.

“Money is a relatively clean-burning, renewable resource,” said Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-CA. “If we need more, we don’t have to go crawling to the Saudis, we simply mandate that our own people send it to us.”

Sen. Boxer noted that, “Congress has already determined that there is no known limit to this resource.”

The Senate will also consider an amendment that would make combustion of currency even better for the environment by removing the toxic inks.

“We realized that if we’re going burn money, there’s no need to put numbers on it,” said Sen. Boxer, “Since the value of our currency is going up in smoke anyway.”




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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
Sandy Made Me Do It


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giggle.gif

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Eric Cartman


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Obama Urges Straight Up-or-Down Vote on Constitution

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace (

2010-03-04) — In an effort to break through bipartisan opposition and public discontent with his latest health insurance reform proposal, President Barack Obama today called on the Senate to “take a final, straight up-or-down vote on the U.S. Constitution.”

“The real obstacle to approval of my health care reform plan is this ancient charter of negative liberties that says what the states and the federal government can’t do to you,” President Obama said, while standing among a group of physicians dressed in white lab coats and fellow constitutional scholars in white powdered wigs.

While the president didn’t use the word ‘reconciliation’ — a parliamentary maneuver allowing majority party leaders to pass bills without tiresome and time-consuming debate — he made his intentions clear.

“The Constitution deserves the same kind of up-or-down vote that the Bush tax cuts received,” Mr. Obama said. “Once we break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the Founding Fathers in the Constitution, we’ll have no problem passing this historic health reform legislation.”

The president assured members of Congress that, “the American people expect us to lead”, and that few would miss the nation’s governing charter when it’s gone.

“It’s not like they have time to read the Constitution or the Declaration anyway,” he added, “what with all the great new shows on TV, and funny stuff on YouTube, Facebook and Twitter.”




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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
Eric Cartman


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Obama to Drop Shield if Russia Helps with Limbaugh

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace

(2009-03-05) — President Barack Obama has reportedly written another private note to his Russian counterpart offering to halt deployment of a defensive nuclear missile shield in Europe, this time in exchange for Russia’s help in dealing with U.S. talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh.

The White House immediately denied the existence of the letter to President Dmitry Medvedev, but acknowledged “ongoing internal deliberations over a measured response using all the tools of U.S. power, including diplomacy.”

Dealing with Mr. Limbaugh has taken the Obama administration’s focus off of other global trouble spots like North Korea, Iran and Chicago.

The rift between President Obama and Mr. Limbaugh started in January when the radio kingpin said of Mr. Obama “I hope he fails.” Tension escalated when Democrat pollsters discovered that Rush Limbaugh is the only remaining divisive Republican with name recognition higher than 10 percent.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, during his daily review of cable TV and radio personalities, said that President Obama won election, in part, “on a promise to be more inclusive, to talk with enemies, and to present an American face to the world that is more about dialogue and multilateral solutions than confrontation.”

“If President Obama intends to find common ground with the Mullahs in Iran,” said Mr. Gibbs, “He can certainly find a way to appease Rush Limbaugh.”

An unnamed State Department source said that when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returns from the Middle East, the president will “dispatch her to Florida to engage Limbaugh in high-level talks to keep this situation from mushrooming.”

The State Department also released its standard diplomatic response statement, which covers everything from nuclear weapons deployment by hostile regimes, to Israeli destruction of houses in Palestinian ’settlements’, calling Mr. Limbaugh’s remarks “unhelpful.”




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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
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